This month of March, I have been learning different aspect of God’s grace and I must say its enlightening. Starting with unworthy but not worthless to I ain’t good enough, I am understanding God’s undiluted love for me, now all I can think and say is that God is really patient; i mean, now that I am enlightened, I can just imagine God saying: “enough, you have been forgiven, don’t convict yourself of something I have erased.” That brings me to the focal point of this week’s entry.
My feature writer happens to be my birthday mate, he is one talented writer with a heart after God’s own, I got exposed to his poems first and I was shaken, then when he writes! He really writes, he is a photographic lawyer (don’t take it literally), I mean is a wonderful photographer with a law degree (the whole 10 yards), he tells a story through his lens. His name is (drum roll): ‘laolu Adekanmbi and this is what he has to say about feeling unworthy…………
HEB 10V17 And I will never again remember their sins and their lawless deeds” (International Standard Version).
The first time I spoke these words was sometime last year, I spoke about it again this year. A friend of mine, Gbenga Kuku had shared something profound and without prompt as poets that we both are I had a sympathetic resonance within and I blurted “God has no memory”.
Yes I know, its blasphemy!Sssh! I understand. I know where your arguments are coming from; I have been on that side too.
Particularly in 2012, I couldn’t understand why I would do the very things I had told God, no more!The very things I had cried and judged myself over. I sent myself to prison a few times: the prison of un-forgiveness and self-righteousness.Surreptiously, I slipped into my condemned cell. I had a coded name plate for it, ‘unworthy’.
Oh how I wished I could sing in that cell, you see, I love to worship, but i sat in the darkest corner of my cell. It was dark and dingy, I couldn’t even muster a dirge. I couldn’t speak about my pain, I couldn’t approach the father’s gate for fear of his memory and mine too. I agreed with Mr.Darkman, “if I can remember, HE can also remember more”. When I asked Mr.Darkman if my previous confessions counted, he simply said “NO” and I believed him. I agreed with his fiercest and firmest points. He said: “he doesn’t want you”; repeating his words, I said: “he cannot want me”.
How and why should he want a child like me? A daft prodigal!
That which I do not want to do, I do, I did and may still do, why beg and ask for mercy when I would still stand in the same spot again. So I didn’t ask to continue or do worse, but to be left alone and suffer the memory of standing on the left side of the law. Justice served, I said.
Then when Gbenga spoke those words, I heard this topic: God has no memory, and I began to write the poem which I reproduce here:
“So I forgot
Yesterday what you wept about
Wedging your hands between floods of tears that never stilled
Till you slept
Memory has a way of holding me hostage when the blood carries his voice
So I forgot
Because you screamed for the crimson power
And I lowered the memory of my pain into the sea-blood red
Blood broken red!
Memory fails me forgive me
I cannot remember when I see the blood
And I’m helpless when it cries
What was the story?
What? Why did you cry?
I can only remember the tears
Before the blotting stole your words
What did you say?
Whose memory was it?
I the blood creator
Forgot my memory
When you hid in the blood
I saw the red broken hands
I saw the thorn gating down his head
3 nails, 1 cross
1 tomb, holed hands
And my memory crumbled
Remembering no more the iniquity why you cried.”
For me, I still read this poem as a reminder; I read this poem when Mr.Darkman rouses my mind to my unworthiness. I remind myself he died, and in that grave he fought for my errors yesterday or today. Why should I start another fight?
I put it to him that we have all sinned and come short of his glory, and HE doesn’t want me to stand afar off. I found the greatest joy in Romans 8vs1: there is therefore now no condemnation… I’m ok with these few words, it is enough for me and it is finished. God has no reason not to set me free if I ask in faith, God cannot say no, when I show up at his gate with a letter of mercy with a plea that says I hurt him and with another plea that says: please keep not your holy spirit from me………….